Last Wednesday morning, sitting at a lovely coffee shop with an even more lovely friend, I drew a version of this on a napkin for him:
The bottom triangle was created in the late 1960s by a psychiatrist, Stephen Karpman.
A handful of decades later, David Emerald, a coach, David Emerald, created the top triangle, a complement, which Karpman apparently thought was pretty nifty, based on the blurb on the back of Emerald’s book, The Power of TED.
Here’s my book report summary:
A Victim in this context, isn’t referring to someone who has been victimized; that is a sad and common reality for a lot of people. Perhaps most, in some way or another.
Here, a Victim is a person who is looking at their circumstances and saying, “This is happening to me and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
What are their circumstances?
Well, that’s the Persecutor, whether a person or situation.
And if a person feels they have no agency?
Well, then, they need a Rescuer which could, again, be a person or a situation… or in a particularly extreme version could even be a substance like drugs or alcohol.
The box that says “Anxiety-Based Problem-Focused” is talking about how a Victim is swimming in a pool of anxiety and the problem they perceive to be evoking the anxiety. Their sole motivation is to get out of that pool.
And, I mean, really, can you blame them?
Nobody wants to be in that toxic muck.
The problem is, when we’re only looking at the water, we can’t even begin to find the ladder up and out.
For that, we need The Empowerment Dynamic.
Where the Dreaded Drama Triangle has a Victim, The Empowerment Dynamic has a Creator.
A Creator looks around and says, “Whelp. Here I am. Given that this is the landscape I’m in, how will I choose to be in it?”
The Creator is:
And:
The Creator, then, isn’t being Persecuted, they’re being Challenged.
A Challenger is a person or circumstance that’s making life hard. They’re making life hard in the exact same way that the Persecutor is; the only difference is how our subject is positioning themselves in relationship to that person or circumstance.
And if the Creator knows they have agency, even if that agency is only in their internal orientation, then they don’t need to be rescued.
But we could all use a Coach from time to time.
(wink, wink)
The Coach isn’t saying, “Oh, you poor, pathetic thing. Let me help you get out of the pool of muck because I agree that you can’t do it for yourself.”
The coach is saying, “I know you can be with this hardship. I believe in your ability to find the ladder. I trust you to align with your values on your way forward – not perfectly but with resilience and care.”
The box about “Passion-Based Outcome-Focused” is about how the Creator grounds into what gives them energy and looks toward the world or circumstances they want to be in.
I often ask my clients:
What do you need to do now such that the Slightly Future You can look back that this time and say, “I did the best I could with what I had then”?
And:
What values help ground you and guide you in each step toward that Slightly Future You?
And:
What are the beliefs, even if they are unprovable, that help you courageously follow your values even – especially – when abandoning them for a sense of safety or certainty or belonging feels far easier?
Some of my personal answers? (I could never offer an answer to another; we all have to find our own.)
I need to show up with kindness and looking for points of connection with whoever’s path I happen to cross.
My core values all help ground me: Foolishness, Integrity, Tikkun Olam, and especially Gritty Determined Stubborn Love.
I believe that we are moving, as a species, inevitably toward more collaborative, more cohesive, and less violent – I believe the arc of human history proves not only that but that the pathway forward isn’t a straight line but, rather, a looping path that inevitably doubles-back on itself as it moves forward.
Your turn: Where inside of yourself do you find the solid ground you need to get firm footing during these tumultuous times?